Freedom Friday

I know I'm a little late posting something from the 4th, but I was rather intrigued by the intricacies of the human mind. Mine, most specifically. 

So, there I was. Friday. A day filled with lots of emotion and contemplation. A day where I heard words that I never thought I'd hear from my son. A day where I determined that the lie that dude told on his way out of town wasn't going to rest in my soul for very long at all. 

We napped a bit. I ran (as recommended by the doctor I saw on Thursday). I threw up on that run. I met a sweet Jewish lady and fixed her computer and got her phone working. She is now a life long friend; I just know it. 

After dropping off my daughter for some teenage funtivities, the boys and I came home and I showered. On my way into the shower, I did something I haven't done in almost 9 years, except for the occasional cleaning. 

I took my wedding ring off.

and then, about 4 hours later, I realized that it was rather interesting that I would do such a thing. 5 days before my 9th anniversary on the very day that our forefathers declared independence...I took off my ring. 

How sad that I can't help but wonder what it will take for me to lose the tan line?!?!

the departure

while what has happened today is exactly what i wanted? it came down a bit hard.

I got an IM while sitting at my job, working my ass off, mostly afraid of the impending layoffs that are rumored...and this IM is dude...leaving. not gonna be there when i get home and never coming back. lied to the kids. and sent me a poorly spelled IM. 

fucking asshole!!

So, I think he's finally heard me

There's been an ongoing discussion in this house for the last few weeks. The discussion goes something like this. "I'm done being married to you." "what? say you don't mean that!" "I mean every word." "you're cheating on me. you wouldn't take away my life like this for any other reason." "No, I'm not cheating on you. But I'd like to take care of this so that I can live my life and move forward as a person. I'm trying to do the right thing here." and then life has gone on and the conversations lead the husband to think that there's nothing real about my expressions of a need for more than he has been capable of giving me in the 12 years since we met. 

This past week, my dear sweet daughter was gone at a thing and that freed up our evenings to have that conversation every. single. night. 

Wednesday was the worst, by far. Wednesday he told me that he would just move away. 3000 miles away and be gone from our lives and how would I like that?! Of course, I lovingly replied "With My Money?" because dude hasn't been able to support himself, let alone a wife and 3 kids, anytime in the last 4-5 years. 

On Saturday, after he tried to get my daughter (who had been home from her thing for about 20 minutes) to give him dirt on me and my goings and comings, there was another discussion. No fighting. Just clearly spoken words that indicated without question or doubt that the marriage is over.  

And then there was this....he has already gotten his old job back and has secured housing with his daughter and he's moving the 3000 miles away just as soon as he can. 

Manly. huh? Fucking just abandon your kids and leave and move away as far as possible and blame me for the whole fucking thing. 

It's okay. I can take it. I'm really trying to do the right thing and I think, I really think what I'm doing is the right thing. There's plenty of places and jobs around here that he could find and have, but it's just not his character to stick around and do the right thing for the 6 year old. His thing is just to abandon. It's what he's best at. 

All the better for me.

clarification...

Because I'm just paranoid enough to think that someone might not have understood me, I feel it vitally important to note that the aforementioned most wonderful, smartest person in the whole wide world isn't someone I've met yet.

I wish for that person. But I really don't know if I believe that someone like that really exists. I just wish for him. I wish to be loved as much as I need. and I don't know...sometimes the fantasy is really better than the truth.

AHHHHH

I wish I were alone. 

Except with someone. 

The hottest, most wonderful, smartest, funniest, caring, deep, sensitive boy in the whole wide world....who can't love me because of my station. 

....Oh, how I wish I were somewhere else.

The damn appointment that was moved from yesterday to today had to be cancelled. I'm just going to fill the paperwork out and file myself. Fuck the world!! Damnit!! I can't be the wife of this man anymore.

Tomorrow...

So, tomorrow is the big day. I was so blue this morning, but no need to be after all....

I will be brave. Feelings are for the weak.

OMG~A Place just for ME!

Hooray! This place looks so great with all these pink apartments all over the place.

I'm really excited to set up a home here. It's gonna be the BOMB to be free to use the words i feel like using. To share the reality of my me-ness without worrying that someone may see and know and perhaps even attempt to hold it against me.

A place where I am in charge. Where I rule the rules! Because I ROCK!!!! No matter what the man tries to say.