Last night, the daughter went out to dinner and a movie with friends. We had a verbal understanding that after the movie, she'd return home. I had plans to meet up with some friends and was planning on heading that direction when she returned home. She texted me at the end of the movie and indicated that she was going to stay and grab some coffee with a friend and would be home soon.
About an hour and a half later, I texted her, just to ask if she planned on coming home anytime soon. I don't think my question was unreasonable. I know that since she's had her birthday this weekend, the state is more than willing to let her drive until 1:30 in the morning, but the state's curfew doesn't automatically indicate the Mommy's curfew.
So, here's the struggle. She's never actually had a curfew. We just talk about things when they come up and make a decision about an expected return time. Now, however, I feel a strong compelling feeling inside me to actually make a curfew.
Our relationship is amazingly awesome and we really don't disagree, but when I mentioned the idea of having a stated curfew with a remaining opening for discussion as events occur, she responded like such a teenager.
...and then I spun into a myriad of stupid thinking that spins and I wonder if I'm giving her a curfew for my benefit or just because parentally, I should. I wonder if putting an official time out there is found by her to be offensive because of all that she does for me with the boys and around the house. I wonder what difference it really makes if she gets an attitude about having a curfew. I am, after all, the mom. Right?
So, why is it that I feel gross about it? Ugh! I hate it when my brain isn't working right.
I admit that I haven't taken my meds pretty much at all for the last month and for that, I'm very sorry. I can't wait until the full effects of the medicine to take hold once again so that I can feel a little bit more control over the thoughts I have.
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Caveat: I don't have a teenager yet, so my thoughts may be completely useless.
What was her response when you asked her when she'd be home? Did she know you had plans as well and were counting on her return?
I think if she knew about your plans, but gave you a hard time when you asked for a return time, the curfew idea is perfectly reasonable. The conversation I imagine goes something like this: "Look, I've been treating you with a lot of respect and freedom because you're a great, responsible kid. However, if I'm going to treat you like an adult, you've got to behave like one. And that means, when you go out and say you'll be home "soon," I shouldn't have to be looking for you 1.5 hours later. And when if I do have to look for you, your response should be some something along the lines of an apologetic "so sorry, lost track of time, on my way right now." This is how I would behave if our roles were reversed -- if my plans had been the earlier ones and you had been waiting for me to get home so you could go out. You didn't behave that way. Instead, you [did whatever she did]. So, for a while, I need to treat you like the teenager you are, and that means I expect you home by [curfew time] unless we've discussed it in advance."
You're still the mom. It's OK to have rules, even if the rules piss her off. It's also OK for the rules to change over time.
Now, if she didn't know that you had plans or she did respond to your text in an adult way, things might be different?
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